THE CITY AND I ARE ON A BREAK
NYC and I are on a Break…
I’ve done this before. Almost ten years to the day. Selling most of my belongings, packing the rest into a mid-sized rental, saying goodbye to my loved ones, and moving across the country. The process is the same, but I am different. Ashley Lentz in 2015 had little awareness, curiosity, or desire to be in the present moment. She was too busy planning every detail, trying to control the uncontrollable, and living anywhere but the present. She didn’t enjoy the adventure; she only tried to control the destination.
The morning that I announced my departure from New York was quiet and peaceful. No incessant car horns, sirens, or stereo bass. No jackhammers outside my window or earthquake-like footsteps above my head. Only the sound of my birds chirping and my dog snoring.
A rare morning in Brooklyn, I knew if I could make my move “official” on a morning like this, then it had to be the right choice. I’d been grappling with this decision for a while. What I’d risk giving up and possibly never attaining again. I had achieved my version of the “New York dream”. I had the BEST group of friends that were like my family. I’d finally left dorm-style living and landed my own apartment down the block from three subways lines. I had glorious garden and a bathtub that could hold four people. I had landlords that were so kind and gracious with their space it was almost too good to be true. My commute was a five-minute walk to a studio space for which I paid pennies by New York City standards. I had a schedule packed with clients who had become great friends, and made me look forward to every day of work.
That peaceful morning in Brooklyn is something I want more of. I know I can’t completely escape the sounds of the world, but I can no longer numb myself to the constant noise of the City. I need to quiet the outside – at least temporarily – to gain some peace and clarity inside. This is the only way I can learn how to best show up for myself and humanity as I coast into middle age.
The first five years in NYC toughened me. The City kicked my ass day after day and taught me lessons for which I’m eternally grateful. And for a few more years, I sailed onward and continued to build the dream. But these last few years, I have yearned for softening.
Maybe it’s my age, or my dying desire for nightlight, or my growing dread of small talk, but I have begrudgingly begun to accept the gentler side of who I am. This existential “de-icing” has forced me to feel everything and get curious about the beliefs that make up my worldview. What do I actually believe? What truly makes me feel good? What am I consuming (physically and emotionally) that leaves me feeling down and depleted?
Though I know I am not really “escaping” anything by leaving, I do know that staying will keep me on autopilot, and I’ll eventually lose the capacity to recognize the difference between feeling good and feeling numb. The detached version of Ashley Lentz is not capable of navigating the shitstorm that is life. She is not equipped to help herself or others mitigate the side effects of human evolution.
