Part 9: The Solitude Choice
Reclaiming Activities from Relational Dependency
Parts 1 – 8 created an internal coherence through breath, posture, and real-time cognitive interventions. Now, as we move into the next phase, the focus shifts to self-sustained regulation—the ability to find safety and enjoyment entirely from within.
We often condition our calendar, our fun, and even our basic errands based on relational availability: "I'll wait until someone can go with me," or "I need company for that." This practice is a profound act of self-sovereignty. It reframes solitude not as loneliness, but as the deliberate choice to find validation and pleasure in an experience, regardless of who is—or isn't—there to witness it.
By performing a typically social or accompanied task alone, you prove to your nervous system that your internal safety and capacity for pleasure are self-generated, not outsourced.
The Cost of Relational Dependency
When our desire to initiate an activity is tied to whether or not a companion is available, we suffer two major losses:
Lost Agency: We give away our personal agency, allowing external factors (someone else's schedule, their availability) to dictate our choices, experiences, and calendar. This fosters a subtle feeling of helplessness or powerlessness.
Activity Avoidance: We often skip certain activities because the thought of being alone in a public setting feels vulnerable, awkward, or boring. The fear of external judgment becomes a boundary to personal enjoyment.
Emotional Avoidance (The Phone Shield): When we are alone in public (waiting for coffee, riding the train), the phone acts as a protective shield. We stare at the screen to signal, "I'm not alone, I'm busy." This prevents us from truly integrating the experience and tolerating the mild discomfort of unstructured silence.
The Action: The Unaccompanied Slot
The goal of this practice is to intentionally choose an activity that you typically rely on others for and perform it try it solo.
Identify the Gap: Make a quick list of 2–3 things you usually wait for company for (e.g., dining out, going to the gym, running an unpopular errand, visiting a park).
Make the Choice: Choose one activity for the week and commit to it. This doesn't have to be a big event; even sitting alone in a bustling coffee shop instead of taking your coffee to go is a powerful shift.
Establish the Boundary: If the activity takes place in a public area, commit to keeping your phone in your bag or pocket for the entire duration. Use the phone only for navigation or emergencies—it is not a comfort item or a shield against the world.
Full Engagement & Witnessing: As you perform the activity alone, use your senses to be fully present. If you are eating, really taste the food. If you are walking, notice the light and sound. The self-validation comes from witnessing your own enjoyment. When the urge to look at your phone or text someone arises, acknowledge it, and redirect your attention back to the activity and the physical sensations in your body.
Self-Validation Signature: When the activity is complete, take a moment to internally affirm: "I chose this. I enjoyed this. I did not need a person or device to accompany me." This intentional self-praise encodes the success into your nervous system.
The Mechanism: Self-Initiation and Self-Validation
This practice directly strengthens your internal sense of agency and reduces dependence on external validation.
Agency and Control: Choosing and executing an activity entirely by yourself is a profound act of self-initiation. It sends a clear signal to your ancient brain that you are a resourceful and capable individual, strengthening your sense of control over your own life.
Disrupting the Need to Be Seen: By committing to full engagement without the phone, you remove the social pressure to be validated. Your pleasure is no longer dependent on being seen or affirmed by a friend or a digital audience. This is the source of self-sustained validation.
Tolerating Exposure: Successfully existing alone in a public space (tolerating the exposure) while remaining fully engaged in your chosen activity dramatically increases your confidence and comfort in your own skin. You prove that you are worthy of your own time and attention.
Practice this experiment once a week. Notice how rich the activity can be when your focus isn't split between the experience and the companion.
Be your own best company.
***These weekly grounding experiments are merely suggestions. Don’t force them. Perform the ones that feel good, skip the ones that don’t resonate with you. The bottom line – listen to your body!
Source Note/Further Reading: Self-Reliance
